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From Marie Guérin to Thérèse - July 10, 1889

From Marie Guérin to Thérèse.

 

July 10, 1889

 

Marie was on vacation at La Musse, from July 6 to 20, at the château inherited from M. David the year before (see LT 62, September 1888).

 

Your little Marie has obtained permission to write you, and her letter will not be read. 1 really see God's will here, for He wills me to seek consolation in the heart of my little Thérèse. If you only knew how I thank you for having wanted me to confide in Céline. I obeyed you that same evening, and I opened my whole soul to her, and there isn't even a shadow hidden from her. I cast every­thing into her heart, and now my soul is an open book for her. What balm for my poor heart; I felt that I was understood, loved, and consoled!!! I don't know how I was able to live thus far always withdrawn into myself, not having anyone to whom I could con­fide my pains. I used to have to wait two weeks for consolations from the Carmel, and then in a half-hour I could only speak of what was most urgent. There are always some little sufferings in my heart, mere nothings, and I compare these to thorns which, though they are little, wound one more deeply than big thorns; however, these troubles I don't have time to talk about, and I have to keep them to myself.

Dear little sister, I am going to tell you something that will real­ly please you, I am much less scrupulous. There is, however, a point on which I have been very much tormented. It was on the eve of one of my Communions, and I feared or rather I was sure that I committed my sin (you understand, don't you). I found that I was not worthy to go to receive God, and I was not able to find Mamma in order to have her share in my troubles, and so I told Céline everything. Did I do well, I don't really know? I always made sufficient reflections on this matter; I feared that this may give some thoughts to Céline. I was thinking that perhaps I should not tell my sins to everybody, and, then, since M. l'abbé Domin had forbidden me to speak to Jeanne about my scruples,

this prohibition was perhaps for Céline also. Well, Thérèse, if you want to give me some advice on this matter, this will be one less great weight on my conscience. I don't want to leave you with the belief that I am gravely concerned; oh! no, I am very calm, and I am not over-worried, but it's just that I'll be very happy to have your approval. Beloved little sister, you may write me without any fear, for your letter will be for me alone. Oh! how I love you!!! Allow me to tell you this, it gives such consolation to my heart. Oh, yes! I have a heart that I feel only too much, it has too much ardor; when it loves, its love has no limits. At times, I feel that my body is too narrow to contain it. There is between us an affection that isn't of this earth; we are united through the bonds of the soul. How sweet this affection is; nothing can describe it, and the word "sister," which is, nevertheless, one of the sweetest names, is not the expression we must use.

Well, yes, Thérèse, God is pleased to break my heart; when He wills to make me suffer, it is always to my heart that He turns. My lot is interior sufferings. At times, I feel as though I am aban­doned; I am experiencing a deadly ennui. You should not believe I love life, no, I'm meeting only with disappointments. There are some persons who would be in their glory if they had a château and if they had all they desired; let them come, then, to my place, I'll grant it to them gladly. As for myself, there is no place where I'd be happier than at Les Buissonnets.

I'd like you to recommend my vocation to God; pray especially for this. I can see that I'm not at the end of my sufferings. If God wills to catch me in His nets as you have already told me, I would throw myself into them with love. I have only one fear, to be mis­taken. Trials are beginning, and they haven't ended; I don't see the future with a happy outlook. I am passing through a moment of great loathing, and I haven't the courage for anything. I used to desire so much to receive Holy Communion more than twice a week, and, this week, when this was granted to me, I am finding no taste whatsoever for Communion; I shall even say that my thanksgivings could not be more arid.

Dear little sister, I recommend myself to your prayers, and I tell you that I love you with all my heart.

Kiss your sisters for me.

Offer my respects to Mother Marie de Gonzague and Mother Geneviève.

Marie

 

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